Can live with’em, Can live without’em

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Women- you can live with them and you can live without them.  This summer proves both in my life.  In August, Jennifer and I will be married for twenty years.  It’s a special anniversary because it means that I will have been living life with her longer than I haven’t.  (That’s right, I was married at 20.) In August Jennifer and I will have been married for about half of my life and I’m happy to say that it appears that she plans on sticking around a while longer.

But, it is at about the same point this summer that I will find myself facing another twenty-year anniversary with another very important woman to me.  This anniversary is more confusing and it will most likely be celebrated in the exact same way it has come about- through quite neglect and avoidance.  This summer my twin sister and I will have been “apart” for most of our lives.  Not apart as in living in different cities, though that is true.  But, apart as in estranged.  You see, during the same year Jennifer and I got married, my sister and I just kind of stopped communicating.  Sure we still send Christmas cards and call around our birthday, but that’s about it.

Estrangement is not so strange to families these days.  Most families have one or two members who have impaired, diminished or simply no communication at all.  Some entire families are lost for words around each other. For me estrangement hasn’t been intentional.  I know that my sister and I love each other very much, but as life has unfolded, a path back to the easy communication we had as kids has not yet appeared.  I can say, in the same breath, that I haven’t really made it a priority to clear that path either.  I’ve just always assumed that no news was good news.  But, as I draw near to this new anniversary and stare down at the “Twenty Year Marker”, it seems that twenty years of no news is not really good news at all.

It’s sobering to see that, while I can live with one woman and make great efforts to build our relationship, I can at the same time be passively neglectful of another extremely important person in my life.  And while I am making plans to live closer and more fully with one woman, I am making no plans at all for the other.  How bizarre- how common.

I do plan on revisiting this topic again in future blog posts, partly because present estrangement leads to future conflict when passing on a legacy of possessions and values.  I see this in the way my children interact with their cousins, there is unfamiliarity and unease that I wish wasn’t there.  I will come back to this because estrangement has forced communication to flow through new paths in our family, and I suspect that this is also common and should be acknowledged and explored.

I will probably come back to this topic several times because estrangement takes time to unpack.  Its causes can penetrate deep into the fabric of families and its present manifestations can be tricky to work through and around.  But, ultimately I want to come back to this because I want to be a better brother, uncle, son and husband.  So, if admitting there is a problem is the first step toward solving it, then I am on the right track.  It may have taken twenty years, but it’s a start.

Keep Calm and Carry On

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In the early 2000’s a rare copy of an out-of-print wartime poster surfaced in a second hand bookshop in the north of England.  The large white letters on the bright red poster simply stated, “Keep Calm and Carry On”.  Within a short few years, reprints of this poster were carried throughout the world, not by British patriotism but by a resonance with the British virtue of keeping a stiff upper lip during turbulent times.

I first saw this poster at a big box store in the summer of 2011.  And, from the first time I saw it I understood it.  Its simple layout, simple colour scheme and two understated commands resonated perfectly with my “Canadian-ness”.  Keep calm and carry on.  Yes I will; thank you for reminding me.

I’m reflecting on the British influences in my life today because of the recent passing of my Grandmother, Edith Wolfe.  The Keep Calm and Carry On poster was first printed when my Grandmother was in her early 20s.  Though she was born and raised in Western Canada she, like many English-speaking Canadians, inherited the virtue of understated British resolve.  So, as she moved throughout Canada as an Army-wife, and raised three children through the turbulent 60’s, and lived through the ageing and eventual passing of her husband, she kept calm and carried on.  Even during her last conversations with her children she refused to be startled or halted.

I’m not so nostalgic to believe that Grandma Edie’s generation is the last generation to truly embody “Keep Calm and Carry On”.  But, I am able to appreciate that they did it extremely well.  Quite conservativism and will-full resolve still exist today and are readily transmittable values.  I think this is why so many have taken hold of this seventy-year-old poster.

At the very moment when we seem to loose our way, it is soul warming to turn the corner and be met by simple words of assurance.  Values that can be simply lived have a way of cutting through the present digital din.  They stand before us plainly like clean white letters on a bright page; not puffing us up or beating us down.  Just reminding us of what must be done: Keep calm and carry on.

Those rotten kids, Those beautiful grand-kids.

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For some, reading the Biblical book of Proverbs is like eating rocks. There’s a lot of chewing and not much reward. I don’t find it that difficult, mostly because I have a busy mind and like to have things to think about as I drive, talk on my cell phone and/or eat a hamburger while on my way to my next meeting.

Now that I have teens I find a proverbial one-liner bubbling up to mind quite often. It goes like this; “Grandparents are proud of their grandchildren, just as children are proud of their parents.” An older English version reads; “Children’s children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers.”

I like this line because it reminds me that for centuries, parents have not found their “be all and end all” in their children. The reality is parents often find their kids to be a huge source of stress. Kids ask for a lot and often give very little. And, we are often so busy raising them to truly be objective and enjoy them. But, that’s where grandparents come in. With just one generation of space, grandparents are free to adore and objectively appreciate who these young people are. They can clearly see the traits of other family members emerging as well as the unique style your child may be developing all on their own. To a parent it’s just eyeliner, noise and bad attitudes. To a grandparent it’s a crown and often payback. This crown is something that is worn proudly and the payback is relished. Having grandchildren enhances their life and it demonstrates a continuity of lineage, legacy and life. All of these concepts are wrapped up in a crown, as they are all wrapped up in grandchildren. In the same way, children have this deep desire to “glory in their fathers” or be proud of their parents.

The playground may not be filled with kids saying, “my dad can beat up your dad”, but it is filled with kids who look to their parents as providers, protectors and guides. As kids emerge into adulthood they inevitably make a call or write a note that says, “Thanks for all you’ve done for me, I just don’t know how you did it.” For many parents we’re still too busy raising our now adult kids to fully enjoy this moment, but it confirms that our kids are as proud of us as our parents are of them.

Sure, our kids may not keep photos of us in their wallets and flip them out for every waitress or stranger in the grocery store line. But, they do keep us close in their hearts. Even the most neglected children will often, against their will, find themselves defending their parents. It’s odd, but it happens all the time. In the same way, grandparent will often overlook the disastrous behavior of a grandchild, simply because of this internal magnetism.

Does this magnetism draw parents to their own kids? No. But it exists between the generations of families as yet another tie that binds the unit together. This special bond kids have for parents and grandparents have for grandchildren is a significant reason humans leave inheritances behind. An inheritance is a way of saying thank you to our parents by taking care of our grandchildren.